Cat Jokes
Quick Takes
What do you call a cat that likes lemons?
A sourpuss
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss (Don't get it? Think a duck-billed platypus.)
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots
How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
C-A-T
Why did the cat eat soap?
So that when it washed itself it could have a bubble bath (Now that's a clean cat joke.)
Submitted by Bob Blankenship
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!
What is a cat's favourite colour?
Purrrrrrrple!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Their paws.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
How does the cat get its own way?
With friendly purrsuasion.
Funny Felines
A young daughter adopted a stray cat into the family. To the mother's distress, he began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," the father reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time." The mother watched for several days as her husband patiently "trained" the new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, her husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the rest of the cat's life, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the sofa.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this month I've sold fifteen cats."
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
What do you call a cat that likes lemons?
A sourpuss
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss (Don't get it? Think a duck-billed platypus.)
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots
How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
C-A-T
Why did the cat eat soap?
So that when it washed itself it could have a bubble bath (Now that's a clean cat joke.)
Submitted by Bob Blankenship
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!
What is a cat's favourite colour?
Purrrrrrrple!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Their paws.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
How does the cat get its own way?
With friendly purrsuasion.
Funny Felines
A young daughter adopted a stray cat into the family. To the mother's distress, he began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," the father reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time." The mother watched for several days as her husband patiently "trained" the new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, her husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the rest of the cat's life, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the sofa.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this month I've sold fifteen cats."
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
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